End of an era - Cate leaves us during the week and joins us on weekends

Today was Cate's last day of school at the Witte Olifant basisschool. A little conversation we had this morning...

Cate: "I won't get to see Dominic so much anymore, he is only here on weekends and I'm going to be by you guys on weekends now."
Me: "Well I'm sure if you want to see him, we can work something out with your mum."
Me thinking inside: "You're not going to see Sarah-Jane, Daddy or Kenton so much anymore either, in fact only 1/3 of the time that you were seeing us before. You are going to miss us too, and especially Kenton I think."

Cate a bit later: "I'm going to get my hair done before I start my new school at mummys, all ready for my 'new image'."

Her mum has apparently told her that this new school is a 'new start', that she can be who she wants to be, that she can make new friends and be reinvented as a new her - one that doesn't get bullied because of her accent, or because she is different in a very Dutch school - is a bit shorter, has a different (read more of) a sense of style, doesn't necessarily use the same words as everyone else. While I'll freely admit that her previous school hasn't been the best for her as it's very academically focussed and what we've learned is that Cate doesn't care about the academic stuff one iota. She needs somewhere that also cultivates creativity, drama, and differences not necessarily CITO scores. At the same time (and I've moved schools 4 times throughout my academic career), you often can't just become someone else on-demand. You are you, and you'll follow yourself everywhere. For someone like Cate who doesn't have much stability in her life, stability in schooling is good at least to be with the same friends.

While I really hope that a 'new her' suddenly appears - I want her to be happy, my fear is she is about to learn that your challenges follow you. You need to deal with them, not just try to forget them and start afresh.  In fact, in a new place where everyone knows everyone else already it may be harder to fit in, and with all the big changes of routine, living space, home, parenting style, this 'new her' might take longer to appear than she wants.

She saw daddy crying on the sofa this morning. This is literally Jeff's biggest nightmare happening right now. While he rightly thought he can't fight this legally, or even wants to go down that path, he is really broken-hearted that she is leaving our care for her primary amount of time.
Cate: "You're tired daddy, you need to sleep more. Didn't you sleep well last night?"
(Does she even realise how upset he is about all this?)

I haven't even dealt with my feelings, and got on with baking about 40 cupcakes with her last night to take into her school and give to various people as an afscheid present. I'm trying to keep it fun so that's what she remembers not daddy crying when he thinks she can't see him.

Living with her mum will be good for her Dutch, it will be a change, and looking on the bright side we will now have her on weekends which should be more quality time - nice for her and Kenton. We will see how it all goes as we all now move into our new roles and routines.

Wow - I thought then I'd lost my account.

All that blogging...I haven't signed in for so long that I can't even sign in on my old account, and have to sign in through an old gmail account I barely use any more...

Anyway, here we are.

Wanted to write about Christmas to remember everything. It was my first proper Christmas day spent with Cate and Jeff together - last year we didn't have Cate over Christmas.

We decided it was nice to go to the UK and spend it with my mum and brothers. My brothers weren't around on Christmas day, but we had an early Christmas with them. Stuart cooked (he's back with Daisy,) it was really nice.

It was a bit of a drama getting permission to get Cate to the UK, he mom kept on changing her mind about it, and when we could/couldn't have her. In the end Cate decided for herself that she wanted to see my mum, the dog and the baby (not around this year, but she didn't know that!), and so she was allowed to come, on the prevision that she was back on Boxing Day. Not ideal for Jeff, but never mind...

Anyway, we took the Eurostar. Got back in the early evening to Kings Cross. By the time we got home we were all quite tired - it's a long journey and Cate was asking the whole way if we were nearly there yet. Jeff was not in a great mood - he hadn't slept well and hadn't packed his bag very well so it was a bit hard to carry around! When he gave me my presents, there were quite a few heavy things in the mix, and lots of toys for Cate as well... But we got there in the end, and it was really nice to see my mum and hang out with her.

I got a bit of a cold off the train, so I didn't feel great from the day after we arrived. I'd arranged a few things for Cate, so couldn't take it easy and also work had dragged on a bit into the 'off' days. I basically did a call with IKEA in the morning I left for the UK and then jumped on the train - bit mad. But still, good money.

On Sunday (21st) we went over to Stueys and hung out there for a mini christmas dinner and first present swop, which was nice.

Rachel came over with her two kids on the 22nd, lovely to see them - Emily has really shot up, you can almost see the little lady she will become. And on the 23rd we went into London with Bea to see The Railway Children at Kings Cross Theatre. I went in earlier to see Anna F, and grab her keys off her, as well as swop stories and Christmas Presents. It was nice to see her albeit briefly.

24/25th Christmas times, we did a few walks to the park, fed the ducks, played some games with Cate, took her out the back, took her shopping for Clarks shoes (!!). Before we knew it, it was over. It was actually nice to have a kid around for Christmas day - she was soo super excited. I was still streaming and feeling a bit under the weather, didn't even drink that much, or at least as much as mum and Jeff.

Mum was on really good form. She was a bit stressed about the house (which she has had all done up!) and Christmas, but the place looked great. She managed to relax, and again I think it was nice for her to have Cate around to 'look after', she is so good with her. PLays with her, made her hot chocolates, took her to the cinema. I got a bit told off for not doing enough reading with her. My mum really is such a good mother figure, puts me to shame really!!

After Jeff left, mum and I did the usual traipse into Reading for the boxing day sales which I enjoyed more than her. She bought me a coat which was an unexpected purchase, really nice. Not warm enough for winter though. I swopped and took back a few items of clothing. Another jumper from Stuart went back. I think daisy chose this one - it was a cool colour, but not my kind of design. Was a really good try though, and I don't mind because I get to go back and choose something else.

The final two days in LOndon at Anna's place, I chilled again. Met Gabi on the way in for dinner at a Kings X pub, she was staying at her new boyfriend's nearby, and then I met Laura in Brixton the next day after I'd been into town shopping. On the final day (still not feeling great) I just hung out at Anna's, bought her a nice card, re-packed, wondered to the post office, etc. I didn't got to a gallery as I thought I might.

Holidays = not long enough in the end.

New year's eve was a house party at Matt and Jesus', which was lovely - quite chilled and we were home by about 3.30, Jeff was hammered. I was scared for him on his bike! x

Well, I haven’t blogged for absolute months AGAIN! Wowzers, I wanted to do it today because I wanted to remember a few things I know I’ll forget otherwise.

First off, what an amazing birthday I had! I went back to Amsterdam on my birthday, got taken out to make my own valentine’s cocktail with Jeff, hosted my own birthday party which was fun in Jeff’s flat, and then headed out to see Max Cooper at Night DVSN, with Harri and the lovely Jess Perri. We had a blast, probably we were almost the eldest if not the eldest in the whole place. It’s a massive warehouse type place with cooool lazers out the back of Amsterdam Roest.

I took Monday off, so Sunday I went to do a review on a place called Dikke Lepel first, a restaurant day pop-up. I went over there for an hour (with Jen Jen), and ended up staying for about 3, and Jeff came and joined me there in the end. I had a whisky coffee which didn't help the sleep situation much! Then we got some Sichzuan take-out on the way home which was yummy. Watched a film. Took a bath, the usual. Monday I met up with Cate a little later in the afternoon, I can’t remember what I did beforehand but I got over to see her a little after she got back from school. Played with her, then we all went out for dinner as a ‘family’ and it was a posh dinner too – Jeff booked de Bechemel which was awesome, really nice food and I was hungry. We went back and crashed after that, we were both pretty beat and I had to get up around 6 to catch my early flight. That week was a struggle, was on the end of the Samsung Mobile pitch (we since found out we didn’t win it), and then the next week got put on the Nexxus pitch because the two girls we worked with on Samsung (don’t ask, was a bit strange they got these girls in), cancelled last minute. It was good for us. First pitch we did with Frederico too (strange but kind of funny creative director character).

The next weekend got more birthday celebrations as Anna was back around from Lebanon so we hung out for Saturday – we met at the balcon hotel/restaurant near Piccadilly, and there had a pretty amazing high tea. I couldn’t eat half the cakes so took a load with me haha, and we nattered about her holiday and men, and everything, and drank champagne. We’d booked to go see a show at 7.30 called ‘drunk’, a really cool dance performance around all the drinks there are in the world (well the most popular ones anyway!!). We stopped at the Radio Rooftop bar, which was kind of on the way down the Strand for a posh cocktail. After we debated going out but ended up jumping on a bus back to Anna’s place and drinking mint tea whilst putting the world to rights.

I stayed there because the next day I was going to see Alex and Edwina, where had another mini birthday pub meal with them (rather nice!!). We went to the pub near them, walked there, and then back to theirs for cakes – I still had mine with me so we ate some of those as well as a carrot cake they bought. Then I headed back to Finsbury Park pretty much done early haha.

I can’t remember if it was the weekend after that was last weekend, or there was one in-between, I’ll have to look dates up. Jeff stayed a week when I was on the Nexxus pitch and it was really hard to see him. But last weekend was also lovely as Jeff and Cate came to stay, so we went to my mum’s in Maidenhead. I took the Friday off as I had too much holiday to take before the end of my contract (a whole other story by the way, but am writing this on my way back to Amsterdam now). Anyway, they arrived  late on Friday evening. She was very excited, I got picture updates all the way home from Jeff about her and she looked totally hyper. She’d been looking forward to it for weeks apparently. We headed off on Saturday mid-morning into London. Luckily we realized that we’d got the time wrong for the show before it was on, as we were seeing a matinee. We went to the Science Museum in South Kensington first. Cate was quite put out at the amount she had to walk around, she really needs to do more walking!! It was good but it was really busy, and I don’t think it was as good as Nemo in her eyes so we struggled around for 2 hours until she’d had enough. We left via the giftshops buying gifts for everyone on the way!! We then went and met my mum outside Victoria Theatre for the matinee performance of Wicked. I sat next to Cate and have to say she was both a bit scared an fascinated by the show!! There were a lot of questions about what was going on, and gasps of horror and grabbing me when Oz was talking, and stuff like that. It was pretty well done, we were very far back (only tickets we could get at the time). We then walked down the street to Pizza Express and had a quick meal before heading back to Maidenhead on the train. Cate was pretty tired, but she was still up at 7am the next morning! The morning before she had woken my mum up at circa 6am and mum didn’t do the whole  ‘monkey eyes…are they open..’ thing but engaged with her, so she was up early!! Sunday morning we took a trip to Windsor castle because Cate had wanted to meet the queen right from when she found she was coming over…hilarious to think that she’d actually meet her but very sweet. It was an absolutely glorious day there, really sunny and warm. Mum dropped us off, and we wandered around all the halls, most of which I didn’t really remember but I’m sure I’ve seen some of them before. We saw the doll’s house which Cate liked (and the queens dress up dolls), then we did the rest of the tour. She loved it which surprised me, being engaged for around 2 hours all the way through the house. She had a Harry Potter audio tour which I credit for most of it, she was pushing all the buttons to listen to whatever came up. Jeff sometimes helped her with numbers!! We waited hours for a cab (not literally but almost), and got back just before mum dished up Sunday Dinner. Alex and Edwina came around, and Toby, Bea and Charlotte, Stu and Nicola and the little un (Jake?), who was tiny being like 6 weeks premature or something. It was really nce to see everyone and they made a total fuss of me, sitting at the head of the table, cooking what I wanted, and then bea and charlotte had even made me a really huge birthday cake with candles. Don’t think have felt that special with my family on a birthday in ages J. Cate went almost straight to bed after everyone left because she had to be up at 4.30am to catch the flight back. Jeff and I stayed up a little longer with mum but we were also exhausted so not that long.

I cant believe this is it and I’m going back, haha.

This weekend I had all my leaving things, long story with work I’ll go into after this post as it’s not as pleasant. I met with Maurice on Friday morning, before I went to work. He’s the same as ever except not with his wife (who he had the kid at SF with,) now with a new lady and with a new baby as well. Bit mad!! He’d seen Craig recently too.

Thursday I went out to a post shoot party, stayed for a few cocktails and then met Anais can you believe. She’s exactly the same except seems rather bitter about what she’s been doing, I was telling her what I was doing and she seemed concerned for me as well. I’m kind of excited to be thinking of things myself, so hopefully they’ll work out but if not I hope I keep a better attitude. As I said to her, it’s all learning and you won’t make the mistakes you made last time again. Saturday I was packing and then went to meet up with Kate who’s helping me focus the marketing. We had about a four hour brainstorm at Russ’s place (very weird as he was there and I just can’t get over some of the things she’s told me about him!!). We then went out to Viet Grill on Kingsland Road, and ate a lot – all the girls came except Seana. It was Laura, Anna, Gabi, Fabi, Laura and Marloes, it was lovely to hang out with them, and everyone then came to this uber cool club called ‘Birthdays’ on the road adjoining Kingsland. It was a very hipster cool place, to put it mildly, Laura got IDed on the way in, and he then shined a load of torches in our faces and let us in without ID, sob! My days of being IDed I think are well and truly over. Gabi left first, then we all went down into the club part downstairs (minimal house of its modern equivalent). It was fun as we all had a bit of naughty stuff, I think otherwise it would’ve bored me a bit to tears and was just waiting for the music to build and drop but it never quite happened. Also got a glimpse of the guy who calls himself the dancing Misanthrope (Twitter and social media sensation apparently), who did look a bit miserable and did just dance his ass off. Anna snogged a 22 year old, think she’s given up on pulling someone her own age at the moment. We’ve talked about her dating but so far she hasn’t done anything about it. I got a cab home around 3am as high as a kite and when got home didn’t get to sleep until 4am. It was a beautiful day the next morning, and had arranged to see Julie and Louise in St Johns Wood (by a fluke Julie was dropping Rosie Rae at a party there, and Lou lives there and never wants to come out of it).

I will have to write about that tomorrow coz have almost written 2000 words at once and am knacked!

I met up with Julie, we had a quick milkshake (I had oreo cookies, very yummy), and then went to pick up RR from the jewish Sunday school – which was in fancy dress. Pretty funny!! We went back then and had a full on breakfast. We chatted about Leo (going in to have an operation, me and Jeff and missing Amsterdam, and all sorts of other things in between. They left, with RR commandeering my camera which was pretty funny, and I walked to the park nearby as I hadn’t heard from Lou. By this time I was feeling pretty tired, and not too much like drinking. But it was a beautiful day, and then I noticed I had a FB message from her telling me where she was. When I called and spoke to her, she had just ordered a drink and said I’d have to come to her rather than meet her around the high street as we’d originally planned. She said she was ten mins away. 20 mins later, I still wasn't there, and I think by the time I got there I was pretty hangry or just plain tired haha. So I sat down with a bit of a flounce and we talked again about being stepmums, about France and her beautiful French home, and about men and life in general. Two white wine spritzers later I didn’t feel much like drinking, so I made my goodbyes (much to Lou’s disgust, I think she was quite up for drinking the whole weekend), and made my way by bus, train, bus to Crouch End. THe funny thing there was, on the way I felt like I shouldn’t have left. I got that funny feeling where I was missing out on something wonderful and I almost turned back. But then I wanted to get home. I think to be honest, if I’d got home and Camilla and Ben hadn’t been around, I would’ve got my thai takeaway, settled in for the night and carried on packing and been ok. But when I got back, my packing was almost done anyway, and Camilla and Ben were full on into cooking a huge meal and watching x factor or something mode, and I just didn’t want to be there. So called Lou, got in a cab and went back (she chuckled at me but there we are) for dinner.

Of course dinner turned into a lot more, she had a little shifty wrap she wanted to bosh before Daniel came the weekend after. Apparently he almost got caught in a random drugs pee test, but managed to get out of it because he was the one in charge of the pee test and got someone else to pee for him. She said if she had it around then it would go. So we did quite a lot. Sat there and chatted like crazy, put on some music, watched a film, she told me about her trying for a baby in the autumn, I told her I was technically already trying. Very nice night in the end, and then left after the film finished and we’d eaten a pretty good pizza from down the road. She was pretty knacked when I left, think it had’t been planned and probably reality kicked in. She said to me she wondered what had happened to me, if I’d gotten all goody two shoed while in London (quite the opposite actually!).

Anyway, next day was packing, got a cab to the station and met mum and handed over my pillows and another duvet.  (much to her disgust!). Bless her for meeting me. Got told I was really beautiful by some strange man in the station who kept coming abck – I think he said he really liked my style and I was incredibly stylish (cant remember now what I was wearing).

I said my goodbyes, after a quick Mexican meal dn drink with mum, and hopped on the train back. Got a red wine on the train as well, so a pretty boozy finish to quite a ‘dry’ London spell. So strange to get back here (I’ve finished this post over a month later!!), but that’s a whole another story.

I’m enjoying being here now but it did take me about a month to settle into living with Jeff and getting into a routine. I quite like it now, seeing his cute face in the morning and vening, and letting him look after me when I feel a bit poo – as I did today. Picking up Cate from school and spending time with her in the evenings, and sometimes running her into school to get myself out of bed (and see her then too). She is a cutie pie. I feel very lucky J

The perfect birthday and valentines

Had such a lovely birthday!! I came to Amsterdam, Jeff got me a fab valentines day pressie-he designed me a special cocktail, kiss of the spider woman with this awesome cocktail tuy at hps-guillame. I had some friends over for a birthday party Saturday, Mira Dave harri Dan Jen Leighton Maxine Amit Olivier Alesia  then we went to this really cool warehouse party night division ndvsn where max cooper was playing, took harri Jess Amit n Olivier with me, after the house party, got in at 7am-proving my age wrong I guess, 38 this birthday!! Then I took an extra day yesterday and spent the afternoon with cate, Jeff's daughter and for taken out for a very posh meal. On way to airport now am bloody knacked haha but totals worth it. Slept soooo bad last night :p

Christmas and just before New Year wedding

I wanted to write quickly about Christmas, the wedding, and NYE. All three were very lovely and very family orientated...

Christmas - I went back to Amsterdam around the 20th Dec, and we did a quick last minute dash around the shops christmas shopping. The next day we chilled out with Cate, and the one after we had our Christmas Day with her (23rd), I didnt buy her many pressies, but she had so many from Jeff, grandparents and the rest of the family I think it was OK. It was a nice day, she was a little bit highly strung, and we had a few moments of her coming in to our room as she used to, not able to sleep. The weather was pretty atrocious (wind, storms, rain), and actually our flight back to the UK on the 24th got cancelled last minute, like around 3pm last minute, when we were supposed to be flying 7.45. Luckily, Jeff checks his emails and he saw it just when it got cancelled, tried to get us on another flight (unsuccessfully sadly,) and we managed to book the last train going home on Christmas Eve on the 24th. I'm never again leaving it that late to fly back home, at the time it seemed like a great idea to maximise time in the Netherlands, but when it came down to it, it wasn't ideal.

Christmas at home - we had a lovely few days, Jeff was with me for his first family Christmas at the Threipland's. It was a bit strange having him there when we were opening our parcels - both he and my two brothers hadn't bought each other pressies which was funny, he was going to buy in the Duty Free at the airport we never passed through...oh well! Jeff bought me my fave perfume that I'd run out of, and some iPhone camera lenses, very nice thought, but not quite sure how to use them and there are no instructions. Also have to take the case off every time to attach them, so not sure how often I'll actually use them. I got him an antique whisky decanter and a load of expensive cigars to smoke at his leisure. The shop you buy them in on the Rokin, an experience in itself... Also got the whole family some crazy jumpers and glasses which was quite funny. Mum and I basically wore ours the whole time we were home, haha.

I can best remember the days with the food we had, was super yummy - the big Christmas meal which was lovely, the turkey and chips the next day, think we played a lot of games that day, the third day we went walking across Cookham (at this point everyone else had left except Jeff and I), and then had cheese and biscuits and cold Turkey when we returned, with homemade Shepherds Pie in the evening, the last day (28th), managed to squeeze in a visit to Fish which was lovely, as not seen him for about three years we figured out!! He is really well, met the two boys and Jo again, it was very early but it was either that morning or I wouldn't catch him so I'm glad we made it out our bed to go. Then headed back into town via the sales shops to get me some shoes and a bag for the wedding.

Wedding - this was super lovely and saw the extended family who made it (sadly not that many). I found it quite strange being at his wedding, not knowing anyone, hardly any of the girls made an effort to talk to me, and I supposed I didn't make an effort to talk to them enough either so left feeling like had spent most the time not really mingling with anyone, haha. I did say a few words to those who came up to chat, but really drank too much bubbly stuff so was mostly dancing with Jeff or my Mum on the dancefloor. Did catch up quickly with Kathleen, John, Mary and Amanda, and Roy. Said hi and bye to Chris, Jean and Ron. Decided you know even fewer people at a family wedding than normal. However, the reading went really well in the church and many people came up and said they enjoyed it (success!). Edwina looked beautiful, and Alex looked very dapper too, they did look like a great couple and very happy. We got taken from the lovely West Dulwich Church to the Bluebird restaurant in Chelsea for the reception in routemaster busses which was pretty nice. The reception venue was gorgeous, don't think I've ever done a reception in London before that size. Met some of Edwina's family, probably should've talked to them a bit more but there we go, they were also all catching up with their sides of the family.
 - the hotel was lovely, really stunning and nice room. Which I guess it should be for the price, lol.

NYE - drank too much on the wedding so was horrendously hungover - kinda grumpy and not really feeling like going out. Still, mustered for the show and we ate on the way (big coronation chicken baguette). We went to see war horse, which is excellent, how they do the puppetry is really clever, it's like there's a big horse on the stage but it's totally manned by men, that you can see underneath as it moves around the stage. It's an excellent play. Then we walked to Piccadilly for the Criterion Restaurant, which is an old art deco restaurant right in the centre. Actually it had very good food, although all I wanted was soup and bread (then got hungry and had to eat some crisps on the way home later). We had a lovely short-ish meal there, and headed to Circus Bar. Got there quite early which was good in the end as we got a performance side chair in the bar, and could sit down most the evening, I was happy about that secretly (getting old!). Mum on the other hand was full of beans and drank 2/3 cocktails and then started on the wine. Let's just say there are some funny pictures of her with flushed red cheeks at the end of the night. TBH the bar was as expected, the show was good, full of very young loaded londoners who probably don't go out into town that much, they were eating a massive meal right in front of us too (could be why I got hungry again). I had a good time but didn't enjoy it as much as the rest and could've spent the night in my hotel room with Jeff lol. I'm glad to spend it with mum though and she looked like she was having a blast (until midnight struck then she cried a little).

Back to London Crouch End on the 1st, I felt fine because didn't drink much the night before. Spent a strange two days with Jeff aka stormy, I think I'd had it with entertaining and being with someone, and he wasn't being very suggesting of things he wanted to do. I also felt suddenly really low and tired on the 2nd, the day we were going into the portrait gallery to see the exhibition.

Since then been pottering really. Today I did my first part of my photog day, expensive but I think worth it. I'll post up a few photos when I get time :)

Dreading work tomorrow, but oh well. Got to be done and be good once am there and hopefully motoring on getting these scripts filmed.

post dearth

It's been so hard to post in here these last months, not even because I've been working on W, but for many other reasons too...work hours have been crazy and I can't even tell you how crazy. Worked the whole weekend on a pitch for a sweet brand, and then had Monday off (thankfully).

I've been a bad, bad daughter, but did meet up with Mum on Monday for a lovely girls day, where we went out shopping, hit the lebanese place on Wigmore street, then went into John Lewis and a few other places too, including Selfridges where we both bought make-up and got totally beautified. Watching mum getting her eye lashes faked (new Yves San Laurent mascara), has to be top of my list, too gorgeous and cute is she.

I've been having work dilemmas as they offered us another three months. This is so amazing, but I've been battling with the fact that I don't feel like I can take it and have got to chat to them tomorrow about it. I've initially said yes, but then thought long and hard about it and now it doesn't feel right to do that (long story I shall go into further on another time). Jeff has been fantastic about it but I think he feels it's time I went back.

OK bedtime, more tomoz,

SJ x

OMG blogging bad

I'm just blogging tonight to say how bad I've been. It's like a confession, it's been 4 months since my last blog post can you believe it, and since then I've moved to London, started a new job, been commuting between London and Amsterdam, had a holiday in Morocco (almost three weeks ago now), and generally been very, very busy. Oh and rented my place out on Air bnb permanently, and moved in with my boyfriend just before I moved here. All in a day's work!

The work here have made me realise some very important things about myself and about what I'm doing, and I can still feel quite big changes on the horizon for next year, just got to get through the rest of this year first.

I've enjoyed being back in London again, but I've definitely been older and wiser (?) than the last time I lived here. I moved away for some reasons, and those reasons still stand, even though it's been really great to catch up with my old friends now and again (not as often as I wanted to mind!!!). They all went out to a Halloween club on Friday but I just wasn't really up for the finding costumes, getting to elephant and castle, and then getting home again. I guess get older is creeping up on me. I did enjoy helping with the make-up with a few wines beforehand though...

So watch this space I guess, and I'll be blogging now and again when I can and when I've got the headspace.

Oh I made a very important and exciting decision today. I guess it's been mulling over in my head for a few months now and I've been battling it quite a lot, battling myself, making myself feel bad about things, wondering if I'm really ready, but I've decided (and somehow today), that I am ready to start trying. And now I feel excited, which usually means it's the right decision to take. I'll tell you more about that when I can, but I still have a few more months waiting to be able to put any plan into action on that front, and also a few more things to sort out beforehand - like potentially getting back to Amsterdam, getting back into W, and a few career path changes. That's all exciting (and somewhat scary too though!).

X